Death Sex and Chocolates
by SarahsFanfictions
Summary: Stephanie Plum just wants a normal life, job, and romance. She has none of the above. Being chased around by maniacs all day and chasing some back cramps the love life thats caught between two men. Can Stephanie handle it or will she be done...for good?


I was a wreck. I didn't have to look in a mirror; I could _feel_ my hair out of place and the smudged mascara under my eyes. Sometimes I really hated my job.

I'm Stephanie Plum and I'm a Bond Enforcement Agent. I work for my slime ball of a cousin Vinnie. Currently I was running down Stark Street after a failure to appear who also had a pair of really expensive handcuffs attached to him. Lula, my sometimes assistant, was three blocks behind us and not gaining. Eddi Torans was running ahead of me, wanted for grand theft auto and destroying the wall to a convenience store with said stolen car.

"Get your ass back here!" I shouted. I wasn't in a good mood.

"Fuck you!" was the response. I hated when they ran. That meant I had to run which was the equivalent of exercise. There was only one exercise I was good at and that was meant for behind closed doors.

I growled and pushed myself faster. I could have reached out and grabbed his shirt but I was pissed at him. I threw myself at him and grabbed his mid back bring us both down in a perfect tackle. We rolled around for a bit, knocked over a few trash cans and rolled in what I hoped was day old tuna.

I finally got a good grip and grabbed him trying to pull him up. He tried to kick at me and slipped on some kind of food and fell again almost knocking me down with him. I really hated when they fought.

Lula came up, breathing deeply. She looked like she might keel over any minute.

"Can I just shoot his tiny ass?" she asked, getting her Glock out of her purse.

"No!" I shouted for the umpteenth time, "Absolutely no shooting!"

"Can I at least use the stun gun?" The guy on the ground looked petrified at the sight of Lula.

"Just don't sit on me again?" he asked in a meek voice. At my nod she stunned him. He went limp almost instantly.

"Damn girl," she said holding her nose away from me, "you smell like a friggin' garbage truck."

I looked down; I had a mess of many things all over my clothes and hair. "I don't suppose you could take him to the police station?" I already knew the answer.

"Wish I could, but I can't on account of me bein' allergic to Police and all." Lula is a ho-turned-filer for my cousin. She rarely stayed in the office and joined me as I attempted to catch FTAs. She never liked the police station and refused to go near it.

"At least drive there?" She shrugged and we walked back to her car. The red Firebird stuck out like a sore thumb but was our only means of transportation currently. My car was still at the office.

We drove to the police station with my FTA slumped in the back. He finally came to just as we pulled up.

"You stunned me!" He shouted at Lula.

"What can I say?" She flipped her strawberry blond hair, "I have that affect on men." I snorted. Lula was a voluptuous black woman who could squash any man like a bug. I turned to her and she flashed a smile.

"Are you gonna stay here?"

"Have I ever left you anywhere?"

"Yes." I said simply, grabbed Eddi from the back and walked to the back of the station. Twenty minutes later I had my body receipt but no ride. Lula had driven off, like always.

I groaned and reached for my cell phone. I dialed one of the bounty hunters at the office.

"Yo," was the response.

"Yo you," I said. I turned around as a cop car pulled up.

"Babe, this better be important. I'm in the middle of something." Ranger was the superior bounty hunter employed by my cousin. Hell he was the best there was. He was sexy, dangerous, and a dream-come-true for any girl. However, Ranger's work was foggy at best and there was a fine line between legal and illegal that he enjoyed walking on several occasions.

"I'm kind of stranded at the police station and there's an FTA running around Trenton."

"And what do you want me to do about it?" I could hear the smile in his voice.

"Pick him up maybe?" I heard him laugh. I rolled my eyes and watched the cop walk into the back of the station.

"How am I supposed to recognize him?" he asked, teasing me. I sometimes really hated when he did that.

"His name is Ramond Frent. He's tall, white and has a pair on cuffs hanging from his wrist that cost me sixty bucks!"

"Babe" he said and disconnected. I rolled my eyes and dialed the only means of transportation I had, my on-again off-again boyfriend Joe Morelli. I waited until the forth ring before I became agitated.

"Hello," he said. I knew he didn't want to answer for fear I had destroyed another car.

"I'm stranded at the police station." I simply said. I looked at the cop car again. It was just sitting there with no cop still. The thug in the back was looking at me like I was lunch. It gave me goose bumps.

"Do you need to be picked up now?" he asked.

"There's a creep staring at me like he wants to eat my heart."

"I'll be right there." Disconnect. I sat on the curb holding my purse close to me. I had my stun gun with me. My actual gun was at home in the cookie jar.

The uniform finally came back out and opened the criminal's door. My heart did a tap dance as they hauled him out and he struggled against the cop. A few more came out to help. He was a big guy, at least six feet tall, with blond hair cut short and bulging muscles. He turned his head to me and gave a little kiss in the air and winked. I shuddered and stared at the buildings across the street.

Eventually Morelli's SUV pulled up and I saw Bob with his head hanging out and tongue flapping in the wind. Bob was Morelli's big orange golden retriever. Or at least that's what he's been passed off as.

As soon as the car slowed down I jumped in.

"That guy was a nut job." I said. Morelli looked at me and smiled.

"You always attract the nut jobs."

"So then what are you?"

"I'm the exception." He dazzled me with another smile. We drove in silence the rest of the way to the office. When he dropped me off he grabbed my wrist before I left and kissed me. I felt it from the top of my head all the way to my toes.


End file.
